Is It Ever OK to Seek Sex Outside of Marriage?

The question, “Is it okay to seek sex outside of marriage,” brings up big feelings because it touches trust, vows, identity, and shame. There is no universal rule that fits every relationship, but there is one clear divider between repair and rupture.

Sex outside of marriage becomes betrayal when it violates the agreement of the relationship. If there is honesty, explicit consent, and clear boundaries, some couples choose a consensual arrangement that is not cheating, even if it is not right for most people.

This topic was explored in a piece published by SheKnows by Catherine Connelly about when couples consider sex outside of marriage, and what makes it ethical versus harmful.

Cheating vs Consent, what actually matters

In my clinical view, sex outside the relationship is only cheating when it happens without a partner’s consent. When both partners openly discuss it, agree to it, and establish boundaries, it becomes a negotiated relationship structure, not deception.

That distinction matters because secrecy is what usually causes the deepest relational injury: gaslighting, loss of safety, and ongoing mistrust.

A grounding stat for context: data from the Institute for Family Studies summarizing the General Social Survey found that 20 percent of married men and 13 percent of married women reported having sex with someone other than their spouse while married.
At the same time, broader trend reporting suggests rates of extramarital sex have been relatively stable over recent decades, even if it feels more common online.

When couples consider sex outside marriage, the common reasons

People usually assume it is about “wanting more sex,” but the real drivers often include:

Libido mismatch that has not improved with communication or therapy
Feeling unwanted, rejected, or lonely inside the marriage
Desire for novelty, erotic freedom, or specific fantasies
A values based choice, some couples are not wired for lifelong monogamy
A transitional phase, postpartum, illness, menopause, aging, erectile issues, trauma recovery

None of these automatically justify stepping outside the marriage, but they do signal where the relationship needs attention.

The role of fantasies, a safer doorway to honest conversations

For many couples, fantasies are the first place they can tell the truth without turning it into an immediate demand. Fantasies can help partners find language for desire, reduce sexual shame, and identify what is missing emotionally or erotically, without acting on anything right away.

Try this framing: “I want to share something vulnerable about what turns me on, not because I need you to do it, but because I want us to feel closer and more honest.”

If you are thinking about an open marriage, start here

Consensual non monogamy is more common than most people think, and it is not the same thing as infidelity.

The American Psychological Association Division 44 Consensual Non Monogamy Task Force notes that about 1 out of 22 people currently in a romantic relationship identify as being in a consensual non monogamy relationship, and about 1 in 5 have engaged in it at some point in their lifetime.
They also summarize research suggesting that people in consensual non monogamy and monogamy report similar levels of relationship satisfaction, trust, commitment, and psychological health, on average.

That said, it only works when it is done with maturity, skill, and real emotional safety.

Tips and boundaries that protect the marriage

If a couple is exploring sex outside marriage, these are the boundary pillars that reduce harm.

Practical tips before anyone opens the relationship

Name the real goal. Is it erotic novelty, more frequency, exploring orientation, healing rejection, or avoiding divorce
Decide what you are protecting. Usually it is emotional safety, family stability, dignity, and honesty
Address the “home relationship” first. Rebuild intimacy rituals, affection, dates, erotic communication
Set a time frame. For example, “We revisit this in 8 weeks,” so it does not drift
Get support early. A therapist can help you negotiate without coercion or resentment

Clear boundaries to discuss, in writing if needed

Consent and veto power: either partner can pause the arrangement at any time
Sexual health agreements: testing cadence, condom rules, what happens after a risk event
Emotional boundaries: what counts as attachment, dating, sleepovers, repeated partners
Privacy vs secrecy: what is shared, what is kept private, what is never hidden
Logistics: time limits, spending limits, travel rules, scheduling around family obligations
Aftercare: how you reconnect after a date or encounter, emotional check ins, reassurance

Red flags that usually mean “do not open the marriage”

One partner is agreeing out of fear, pressure, or financial dependence
The relationship is already unstable, high conflict, or emotionally abusive
There is an active affair, and opening is being used to retroactively justify it
Communication is avoidant, explosive, or filled with contempt
One partner is hoping an open marriage will fix a dead marriage without doing the deeper work

Is it okay to seek sex outside marriage, a values based answer

For many couples, monogamy is a core value and stepping outside will always feel like betrayal, even with permission. For other couples, consensual non monogamy can be a structured, ethical choice that preserves honesty and reduces resentment.

The question is not only “Is it allowed,” it is also:

Does this align with our values
Does this protect our emotional safety
Does this strengthen trust, or slowly erode it
Are we choosing this מתוך love, or out of pain and avoidance

If you want this to be a growth conversation rather than a rupture, move slowly, be explicit, and get support before acting.