Why People Seek Sex Outside of Marriage

Infidelity is not always about lust. For many, it is a symptom, not the cause, of deeper psychological needs going unmet. While the reasons vary between individuals, a few common threads emerge across men, women, and people of all gender identities and sexual orientations.

Emotional Disconnection

When emotional intimacy fades, some turn outward to feel seen, wanted, or validated. This is not exclusive to any gender. Emotional neglect can feel like starvation, especially in long-term partnerships where routine replaces romance.

Self-Worth and Identity

Sex can become a way to affirm desirability or reclaim agency. For some men, it is about virility. For some women, it is about visibility. For queer individuals, especially those in marriages where parts of their identity remain hidden, external sexual experiences may feel like freedom.

Addiction and Dopamine Seeking

The thrill of the chase activates the brain’s reward system. Dopamine spikes from secrecy, novelty, and risk can feel intoxicating, especially for those battling low self-esteem, depression, or past trauma.

Unresolved Attachment Wounds

People with anxious or avoidant attachment styles may struggle with emotional closeness. They might cheat not because they want more sex, but because they fear too much emotional vulnerability within the marriage.

Sexual Incompatibility or Exploration

Sometimes it is simply about mismatched libidos or unspoken fantasies. For LGBTQ+ individuals in heteronormative marriages, this may reflect a deeper journey toward sexual authenticity.

Infidelity is complex. It is rarely just about sex, and often about unmet emotional needs, suppressed desires, or unresolved personal wounds. Healing starts with awareness, both of ourselves and of the dynamics we create with others.